Closer to Fine

This weekend, I experienced a lesbian rite of passage at one of my favorite local venues–my first Indigo Girls concert. Although they’ve never been a staple of my musical lexicon (I know, bad lesbian), I had no trouble appreciating the show, both in terms of the music and being surrounded by practically every lesbian in town.

There is one Indigo Girls song I know by heart–“Closer to Fine.” Yes, I know, I’m obvious. Feel free to poke fun. Technically, though, I became obsessed with it naturally, shortly after my marriage fell apart, when every day became a combination of “what am I doing?” and “how did I get here?”

At the time, this song reminded me that it’s okay to sit with the unknown. That the discomfort of uncertainty is where growth happens. Oh, and that anything that feels definitive rarely is. And, as is the case with most Indigo Girls songs, it did so in a way that encouraged really loud, really enthusiastic joining in, which, let’s be honest, makes the whole experience much more satisfying.

Interestingly, I find myself in a similar moment now. Life feels like one question mark after another. It’s fun and exciting and filled with wondering what the hell I’m doing. So much growth. So much angst.

I’m not sure I’m any more comfortable with the unknown, but I’m working on it. I’m trying to stretch so that I can hold on to things that feel discordant without creating the kind of constant friction that makes me sick to my stomach. I’m trying to enjoy the moment. I’m trying to trust that the future holds good things even if I have no idea what those things are (or with whom they’ll be shared).

Some days, this feels doable. Others, it’s painful if not impossible. But it’s all about being a work in progress, right? The more I can remember this, and the more I surround myself with smart, compassionate people who challenge me (gently but fiercely), the easier it is. And the closer I am to fine.

P.S. Thanks, Amy and Emily. I’m sorry it took me so long. You put on a hell of a show.