The Daydream Dilemma

Do you daydream? Wait. Let me be more specific. Do you daydream about what would happen if you, say, won the lottery? Not buy-a-private-island or solve-poverty sort of money. More like, if you had the means to live where you wanted and do exactly what you wanted with your time, what would you do?

Maybe you imagine your dream home or taking care of family and friends. What animals you might adopt. Where you’d like to travel. What it would be like to leave work behind. Nothing too extravagant or out there, really, but a long way from your current real life.

I think most people daydream like this. Here’s the thing. I don’t.

Sure, I have the fantasy of buying an old farmhouse and renovating it exactly how I want. I think–more and more these days–of what a life without my current day job might look like. But the former is a vague notion, and the latter is a delicate foray into imagining new side hustles and less disposable income.

I don’t actively entertain the far-fetched and fanciful world of what-if.

(I know. I’m a writer. It’s weird.)

Part of this is my deeply practical nature. It doesn’t feel particularly useful or even fun to spend time and energy on imagining things that are unlikely to happen. Unlikely to be possible. I’d rather entertain baby steps–incremental changes or plans that I might be able to do.

I was called out on this yesterday. Encouraged to worry less about what’s realistic and to play with the sheer luxury and magnitude of possibility. I tried. It didn’t take long to imagine myself a literary/lesbian version of Martha Stewart or Ina Garten. But I had to confess the exercise left me a little sad.

Why dream about something if I can’t make it happen? Why ask if the answer is going to be no?

Thanks to my rock star of a therapist, I know this has less to do with being practical and a whole lot more to do with the trifecta of childhood trauma, feelings of unworthiness, and misguided patterns of trying to shield myself from disappointment. I won’t bore you with the specifics, but let’s just say this is a recurring theme and a pattern I’m trying to break. I’m…a work in progress.

I had a luna bar for breakfast this morning at my desk–during a zoom meeting and before having to do my third admissions presentation in two days. If you’re familiar with the brand, you’ll know there’s always an inspirational quote on the wrapper. Today, mine said, “If you don’t ask, the answer will always be no.”

Sometimes, I think signs from the universe operate less like earth-shattering, aha moments and more like glitter–sprinkled once and then somehow EVERYWHERE. I gotta say, I’m feeling a bit glitter bombed at the moment. It’s kinda nice, actually. Not always comfortable or practical or where I want it, but sparkly nonetheless. And this girl loves her some sparkle.

I’m not sure this is a pay-it-forward situation or a misery-loves-company, but I’m going for it either way…What are you dreaming about today?